Hi, it’s me again.

It is not even the end of 2017, and here I am writing yet again about soul-destroying grief. These last ten days, three deaths. Two so young they had more life in front of them than behind. One, not even what should be considered the half-way point in life.

These are people’s children. Only a parent understands the powerful bond you have with your child. The absolute undying love you have and the monumental desire that roars like an open fire inside you to protect that child at all costs. A parent will lay down their life for their child, but it is not until you have your own do you understand these strong, unyielding emotions.

On the surface, it appears our society is accepting of this unbearable sadness, death. However, in some situations, I have been surprised by some people’s genuine kindness and empathy as much as I have repeatedly been shocked and disappointed by their lack of it. A few weeks ago I had written an article called “There should be a Hierarchy of Grief” on JoyM.Mills Facebook Sunday Soul – Lutions.

The bottom line is people are uncomfortable with death and dying, period. Maybe they fear from knowing too much they may be obsessed with their loved ones dying or perhaps they beg and plead with God on a daily basis nothing touches them emotionally or breaks their heart much less anything that fractures their soul.

We have to be supportive and not try to fix it. If we don’t understand a person’s feelings, don’t say you do. Admit you can’t make it better. Recognize the loss. There is no time limit for grief. Don’t try to rationalize, explain or compare it to anything you have been through unless you truly understand, this minimizes a person’s loss, and it sucks!

So many people don’t say anything because they are afraid they will say the wrong thing. There is no right way except to say I am sorry. Distance is not good. If you think the grieving person hasn’t noticed you are slowly but surely pulling away; you are wrong. Stop oscillating, reach out.

To all of you reading this that have suffered unspeakable grief, I am sorry for your loss.

Remember to keep the circle, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

*This article is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal or other professional advice. This article was written to support, not replace medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you feel you have a condition.

Hi, it’s me again.

We have to carry the spirit of children as we grow old, which means we can’t lose our enthusiasm or get overwhelmed by it all.

There would be others that have come and gone in my life because of the way they were living their life. Good friends hold each other accountable. The reason being, life is not always a party. Anyone can be your friend when things are good. You find out what your friends bring to the table when austerity has got in the way. Friendship is not necessary, like philosophy, like art it has no survival value; instead, it has one of those things that give benefit to survival.

We win, or we lose. Almost only counts in horseshoes. You are not obligated to win. Your responsibility is to keep trying; to do the best you can do every day. I believe there is nothing in this life that can destroy you quicker than yourself (ego) or allowed into being bullied into submission. Bad things happen to everyone, but when they do, you can’t just give up and fall apart. It takes courage and bravery.

In our daily life, we seem to get lost in the business of schedules, and at times we look for the easiest way to complete something. Obstacles and the unknown are scary things. To love who you are you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.

If you are reading this, so far, you have survived 100% of the worst days of your life; this too shall pass. Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

*This article is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal or other professional advice. This article was written to support, not replace medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you feel you have a condition.

Hi, it’s me again.

I was thinking about how life can force you to change even when naysayers state you can’t.

Along the way, you will encounter people out there whose attitude is my way or the highway. They only see conflict created by them as black or white. There are shades of gray. At different times in your life, you may be forced to deal with an ongoing conflict, and the people involved that are steadfast in trying to hold you hostage based on whom they believe you are.

What we have to remember is everybody else isn’t holding all of the cards all of the time. If you continually allow them to manipulate and not shut them down and walk away, you are going to be miserable, and misery does love company.

If you would pour as much positive energy into your life as you find yourself doing for others, happiness won’t elude you.

What you believe you become. You have to treat yourself better than the world has treated you. Stop anticipating trouble. Real life is challenging.

You have to be your hero. You won’t be asking yourself, who am I or where is my place amongst the craziness of so many mixed messages of the people around you.

For the longest time, I was made to believe you can’t and you won’t. I had no idea my life could go from uncomfortable to comfortable. We have to come to a point or crescendo where we can’t stand ourselves, the environment or the negative messages inflicted upon us by others. I decided I could, and I was going to undertake the painful work of getting real and begin the climb up. It is a process.

Start living your own story instead of somebody else’s.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

*This article is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal or other professional advice. This article was written to support, not replace medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you feel you have a condition.

LOVE IN A BOX

I pushed forward with fear

And hoped you would see

All the love and support

That could come from me

I thought about a box

Propelled by unseen hands

The secret is that it had been

Wrapped with love and encouragement

From a far away place

Something that bounced through

My heart and my brain

I needed you to feel what your

Destiny is and will always be

Strength and determination

When life beat you up was

Enough to propel you forward

To help you rise to meet the challenge

That would be tough

My dreams had foretold

Everything in that box was manna

From heaven

Filled with gold

One step closer to that finish line

It was off in the distance

I was sure it would come

More love than you ever could imagine

Or your heart could hold

Now you know

I knew you could do it

A reminder that you not only could

You would

I wanted your tears to dry

If you cried at all

They could be happy and glad

Without uttering a word

I knew you were doubtful

And questioning things

It was far beyond me

You were brave

You reached for my hand

I reached for yours too

Those boxes hold every memory

Of a time tucked away

A secret between us

That is precious and perfect

Even when life had gone wrong

And the past had beat you up

The box was enough

When getting through was tough

I had already walked the road you were on

It was my turn to pay it forward

My job is far from done

You are normal you see

Not that much different from me

I wanted to help you

Hold back monsters that

Flowed through your brain

As all of us have had

A moment of fear

We all need hope and

Support at times

In the darkness when doubt creeps in

The fear deep inside

A genuine and loving voice

Who you knew so well

Saying

I will walk this journey with you

Your memories of that box will

Always remain

With your lovely smile

You might think

To yourself

Someone was right

I deserved to feel better

And understand for a moment

It is okay to get excited and

To make your plans

My heart was open

Connecting me to you

I am grateful for this

And all of the love from

That simple cardboard box

And all it represents

You are precious and kind

And one day you will share

With another who believes

What were they thinking

They don’t dare

You will remember from a

Time back

One day you will pay it forward

It always comes around

And how we begin again

You will think about the

Love and the box

Can be shared through history and time

But for now

It has connected your heart to mine

© Joy M. Mills

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love for a very special person. You know who you are.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

*This article is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal or other professional advice. This article was written to support, not replace medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you feel you have a condition.

Hi, it’s me again.

If you have forgiven someone, doesn’t that mean you have moved beyond it and let it go?

You can’t rewrite history. None of us can. You can’t take out a chapter in your life and replace it with something else. People are always waiting for the perfect moment, another time or waiting for a perfect opportunity to remind you of everything they have done for you or everything you have done to them since the beginning of time.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. God does not promise tomorrow. Why do people bring up the past over and over? With it comes the same angst and a good amount of grief.

My prayer is that we can get beyond all of the finger pointing and blame without anything traumatic being the impetus. We have to have confidence in our world view and our relationships. Unfortunately, other people’s idea of what that is doesn’t match up with reality. Then choices have to be made.

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, we cannot live without a spiritual life or God. After all, it began with love and forgiveness.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

Hi, it’s me again.

Today I was having a conversation with someone, and we were talking about division versus addition, not math. However, if you think of it in terms of math, when we are dividing numbers, I think of reduction. When we are adding numbers, I think of enhancement. For instance, if I am balancing my checkbook and find an error and I get to add an amount, I am thrilled.

Which brings me to family and friends (represented by a house); it cannot be stable and strong by itself when divided. Here the division refers to various mentalities and perceptions of different members of the group. If they all think alike, they will be united forever and no one can do anything to break it. However, if they keep fighting and disagreeing with each other all of the time, the group will eventually break.

People can light up the whole sky. Many people think solid relationships of any kind are based on feelings. It has to be based on camaraderie, love, mutual respect, and most importantly, trust. On one hand, we have a great feeling like sunshine when certain people are around – even though we would like for it to be sunny every day, the truth is that the amount of sunshine changes regularly. Some days it is nice and sunny; on others, it is partly cloudy and the things we think and feel are barely there at all. So, when I hear someone say I don’t care anymore, take it for what it usually is. They are not willing to make the effort required to maintain the stability of any relationship.

Instead of backing away from any relationship, we could try to bounce back from the lowest of times and make the best of times. The times you look back years later and burst out laughing. The times you will tell your kids so that they too can learn to appreciate people and the world around them.

What you gain is something priceless. You never know in a family, friendships or any relationship, you could be someone’s hero.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

Hi, it’s me again.

Our mind can be our best friend or our worst enemy.

I believe human nature is competitive. It can cause us to be very successful, or we can convince ourselves there are obstacles we can never overcome. Think about the difference between what is urgent and what is important or you can do what a lot of us do and do it later or someday.

Today stop making excuses for why you can’t get things done and start focusing on why you should make it happen. Persistence is the mother of all productive effort. The strongest people I know don’t always succeed, but they are the ones who don’t give up. They brush themselves off and start over.

Every day is a new challenge for all of us. That isn’t necessarily bad. We just have to continue to pick ourselves up and try to keep sadness in perspective and even shedding an occasional tear is okay.

Realize with every day that passes we have more wisdom and strength under our belts. It is the path to self-fulfillment, and our soul knows when we are trying and when we are not. You are stronger than you think.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. (c)

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright (c) 2017

If the Grim Reaper showed up and said you have five minutes, what would you do?

Have we been draining our happiness? Is it that other people and outside events influence us? Happiness is ultimately an inside job. Peace comes from your soul out. You have to disconnect external forces and give yourself permission to be happy in each moment without the need for anything more.

I guess it would depend on what you think about it. Will you be grateful for what you have and find peace in that or concentrate on what you don’t have?  The choice is yours to make.

Although there is nothing you can do about your past or lost happiness, there is plenty you can do about the things to come. Here is what I know for sure:  if you are feeling lost and as if you are in a sucking swirling eddy of despair and you keep circling that drain, you have to start asking yourself, “Are the people around me helping or hurting me?”

A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you surround yourself with, and it is better to be alone than in bad company. You simply can’t live an active and fulfilling life if you continue to surround yourself with negative people and naysayers.

Intuition is an infallible guide for letting you know when you need to change and also, what direction to take. If you feel bored, uninterested or drained, that is your intuition communicating change is necessary. Go in a new direction.

Life is short. If you think about it, it is brief and fleeting. Wouldn’t you rather live it peacefully?

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

Hi, it’s me again.

At what point do we go from actively involved parents to a complete role reversal?  Parents don’t want their children to have to wipe away the stalactites of drool from their mouths or have to hear the same story repeated over and over.

You might be justifiably annoyed but take a step back for a moment.  Consider how seniors feel when they have diminished capacity.  In particular, when the person first starts slipping and they are aware of the loss and are often terrified, scared and saddened.

I don’t believe on their laundry list of things to do that at the top of the list was to become a burden to their children?  I want to be the one intent on forging my path as a parent and don’t want my caregiving to dominate my children’s lives.

I heard once you could have a code word if you start to witness these things happening.  We could use the code word, Montana.  In other words, once you are on the way to the nursing home, you could bail out, keep on driving and flee to, let’s say, Montana; the free and vast skies of Montana.   It’s tempting, nonetheless.

A voice at the center of my being would tell me that I belong not in Montana but with my parents.  What voice was this that I would hear?  For me, it would be God’s voice directing me to accompany my mother and father in their decline.  For a lot of us that have been in the bowels of this time, would feel the God of that caregiving period is not a caring presence.

If you are a caregiver, you will find there are days you cannot summon up the Supreme Being who provided you with a vision of possible order and goodness in the world.  How would such a Being allow old people, much less a young person to lose their minds and allow a disease to ravage the core of their character or body?

You are trying to look on the bright side and make the best of it.  If so, does that mean you are telling yourself the story has ended?  First of all, kudos to you for staying on the sunny side of the street but shame on you for giving up so early.  Just because things don’t manifest in the frame of the perfect picture you have in your mind, not all that glitters is gold.

Think long and hard.  It is going to be us one day.  If you have a powerful mind now, think how you would like to keep your dignity.  Share your stories.  You can pray as hard as possible.  You can throw coins into a wishing well.  You can spout endless affirmations – all with the goal of maybe not getting old or you can make your plans now, so you don’t have to arrive in Montana or send your children to Montana looking for you.

In loving memory of the young and old alike.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017

Hi, it’s me again.

Life asked death, why do people love me but hate you?  Death responded because you are a beautiful lie, and I the painful truth.

It can be painful to find yourself in a position where a relationship with close family members is untenable, this, too, is a loss.  You may end up feeling painfully lonely, and on good days there may be a feeling of overwhelming peace and freedom.

When you accept what has happened, you aren’t acknowledging it is okay but rather knowing there is a way to keep growing and living-even when you don’t feel like it.  Don’t let grief be your constant companion.  Realize your grief is born out of unconditional love and rejoice in that love which will never end.

Embracing life doesn’t mean you have stopped missing your loved ones, but an example love is eternal.  Eventually, time will cease to stand still.  Painful and terrible moments will still occur, striking poignant but comforting in that you will see them again.

You have to come to a place where you dry your tears.  It may take months; it may take years.

Remember to keep the circle positive, peaceful and loving. ©

Written with love.

Joy M. Mills
Copyright © 2017