An Open Letter | Joy M. Mills

Childhood gifted me with a number of unhealthy survival mechanisms which still follow me around today: a deep fear of conflict because for me conflict meant someone would leave. Constant apologies and guilt I am not responsible for and a voice in the back of my mind telling me no matter what I do, who I am, who I become, it will never be enough. It is one thing to forgive and move on from a wound we received in the past and another animal entirely when we get hurt again and again in the same place by the same people; a scab not quite healed over before it is ripped off.

This week what I am feeling is anger, unfairness, and aversion. Repressed feelings mean they will come up again at some point, most likely when another situation triggers a similar response. Negative emotions sap our energy, and that can spread like wildfire. I liken it to a single match burning down an entire forest. I do not want anybody to steal my ability to love and care.

Confronting someone who has hurt you can be a daunting and challenging task. Saying to another person, man or woman, what you said hurt my feelings, please do not do that again, is appropriate.

Here is what I know. The less you feed the bully, the less often, he or she will take your lunch. As always, being an example is our best teacher.

I am sorry is a statement admitting you are wrong and not letting your ego stand in the way. At times, it means nothing to say I am sorry, but it is a stepping stone to a future change.

I will not do it again is a promise. A promise is a debt so be careful when using your words. How can I make it up to you is a responsibility. Changing is difficult but not changing is fatal. I had to learn this the hard way. I do not always understand other people’s actions, but actions speak louder than words.

There have been some people around me that have slipped under my radar, and then I wonder why it is so hard to trust people. I ask them, why is it so hard to keep a promise? How do we keep ourselves from being weighed down by what other people think because in a few years, a few decades, a few centuries, it will no longer matter.

Here is what I was forced to relearn in the last few weeks; if I felt I treated others with respect, I would deserve the same. So, today I am starting over. I am relearning to manage the way people meddle. A lot of it comes down to how you react. When times are tough, no pain comes without a purpose. Move on from what hurt you but never forget what it taught you. Everything is going to come together, not immediately but eventually.

Written with love.

*This article is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal or other professional advice. This article was written to support, not replace medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you feel you have a condition.